If You're Not Prepared To Do The Time, Then Don't Do The Crime: Fantastic Four

That's whatchu call! FANTASTIC! The four core individuals traditionally associated with the Fantastic Four, who gained superpowers after exposure to cosmic rays during a scientific mission to outer space, are: Mr. Fantastic (Reed Richards), a scientific genius and the leader of the group, who can stretch his body into incredible lengths and shapes; the Invisible Woman (Susan "Sue" Storm), Reed's wife, who can render herself and others invisible and project powerful force fields; the Human Torch (Johnny Storm), Sue's younger brother, who can generate flames, surround himself with them and fly; and the monstrous Thing (Ben Grimm), their grumpy but benevolent friend, who possesses superhuman strength and endurance due to the nature of his organic stone flesh.

APAT DAPAT! This team of bad-ass superheroes would not be the same if one was missing. Just think if one was missing, the villains would not get the same awesome beating as to what they usually get. Their modus operandi in beating up bad guys goes like this.

So their enemy is walking down the street, then suddenly Mr. Fantastic draws the peoples attention by doing this weird inflated man thing that stretches out 20 feet in the air. So the dude gets distracted, then Invisible woman comes in, she steals the dudes car keys. So when the dude finds out he misplaced his car keys, he takes a cab going home, while in the cab, Human Torch flies above it and just turns the body of the cab hot so that it would overheat. The dude being really pissed and sweaty, gets out of the car, then gets smashed by a huge-ass boulder falling 100 feet from a rooftop. That boulder is the Thing.

Imagine if one was missing, it would not be as fun as how it usually would be.

If You're Not Prepared To Do The Time, Then Don't Do The Crime: Captain America

This dude is one hell of an awesome superhero. Captain America is a lean mean killing machine. His secret identity is Steve Rogers, a sickly young man who was enhanced to the peak of human perfection by an experimental serum in order to aid the United States war effort. Captain America wears a costume that bears an American flag motif, and is armed with an indestructible shield that can be thrown as a weapon.

Captain America does not have any super flying power shiz, no ray gun coming out of his nipples, no I-don't-like-to-fight invisibility powers, no regenerating tissue powers. What he does have are just some steroids flowing through his blood stream and an indestructible shield to beat up anyone who goes in his way.

If You're Not Prepared To Do The Time, Then Don't Do The Crime: Batman

The Batman. For me, he's the best superhero that does not have any superpower, all he has is a costume, some mean fighting skills, a little bit of cool gadgets, and a whole lot of balls. Batman's identity is Bruce Wayne, a a billionaire playboy, industrialist, and philanthropist. Witnessing the murder of his parents as a child, Wayne trains himself both physically and intellectually and dons a bat-themed costume in order to fight crime. He goes around Gotham City fighting crime and beating up bafoons in a jiffy.

The reason why Batman is so amazing is that, he's already got it all, the money, the women, he's already made. But no, he want to risk his life fighting crime, and cleaning the streets of its crime. Now that's what you call, FANTASTIC! He's like Georges St. Pierre, only he's wearing a costume. He's got mean fighting skills. I think he has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Taekwondo, Kickboxing, Judo, Guerilla Jiu-Jitsu, Aikido, a green belt in Capoeira, and a leather belt in Away Kalye. He's insane when it comes to fighting, he jumps from rooftops, then breaks someones arm, then jumps to another one, and breaks someones legs. It just goes on until he's reached 100 gangstas, then he goes home and drinks his scotch and eats caviar.

If You're Not Prepared To Do The Time, Then Don't Do The Crime: Spider-man

Spider-man must be one of the greatest superheroes there is. Spider-man's identity is Peter Parker, a teenage student who got bitten by a radioactive spider and it gave him superpowers. He fights crime and lives by what his late uncle Ben had said to him, " with great power comes great responsibility".

Spider-man is friggin awesome, his powers include spider sense, in which he can sense whether he's in danger or something, he just sees everything in slow-mo and can move faster than a normal human being whenever he's in trouble that's why he's really agile. Another is that he can jump around like a flying squirrel or something, and climb walls and stick there for how ever long he wants to like some weird cockroach or something. He also has super strength, we all know how that is. And last is that he invented something and now he can shoot awesome web out of his wrists. He uses them to trap enemies, save people, and swing like tarzan around the city and getting all the attention from the people like "hey look at me, I can swing around the city while you guys get stuck in traffic, screw you!"

He's really one of the best superheroes there is, oh and did I mention he's married to this hot redhead girl named Mary Jane. Awesome Blossom right?

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game: Halo 3

Halo 3 is a first-person shooting game which is awesome in every way possible. Halo 3's story centers on the interstellar war between 26th century humanity, led by the United Nations Space Command, and a collection of alien races known as the Covenant. The player assumes the role of the Master Chief, a cybernetically enhanced supersoldier, as he wages war in defense of humanity, assisted by human Marines as well as an allied alien race called Elites, which is led by the Arbiter.

So why is this game so kick-ass? Well think about guns that kill extraterrestial scum from 50 feet away and splashing all their insides everywhere. From pistols to machine guns, from rocket launchers all the way to a 6 foot metal hammer that looks like the hammer of Thor that when comes into contact with something it explodes and kills everything it hits. That's how awesome the game is, you get to team up with the humans and kill all sorts of non-Catholic aliens. It's like a mission to convert every single alien life form in different universes, and those who doesn't conform or follow the word of God, gets a sniper rifle shoved up their ass.

Cool characters. Cool weapons. Cool environment. Cool game.

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game: Call of Duty: World at War

Call of Duty: World at War is a first-person shooting game that lets you experience war at its finest. The setting of this game is during the World War II, so yeah the guns are kinda old school but they're all kick-ass. You get to blow up Nazi's heads off and whack them in the head with a bayonet or something made out of wood.

This game is very cool because it also has this bonus feature in which you get to defend a house because awesome brain eating zombies are gonna attack you. And that's not all, they're just not regular zombies, they're Nazi zombies, how awesome is that? They attack you in hordes like a pack of wolves in a cold winter day.

It's a good buy for your Xbox or whatever console you have, but it would be better if you have an HD Tv, it would be barbecue sauce awesome!

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game: Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe

This game is either one of the coolest or one of the funniest fighting games that was ever created. Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe is a fighting game that lets you use awesome-no-mercy-shit-killing biznatches from Mortal Kombat or use the super-strength-don't-harm-your-enemy-and-just-lock-them-up-in-jail pussies from DC Universe. But they're both awesome when beating up one another.

The story of the game goes like this, some doofus enemy from DC Universe made like a portal of pussyness in order to escape from Superman because he was getting bitchslapped all the time. So when he made the portal to runaway to Neverland, this genius Superman blasted him with a I'm gonna ruin the world ray whatever from his eyes or something. So what happened then is that, the ray thingy majigger created a weird portal that made some of the bozos from Mortal Kombat world to transport to planet Earth. So all sorts of crazy shit had happened then, and the DC Universe good guys team up with the Mortal Kombat good guys in order to save their worlds.

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game: UFC Undisputed 2009

UFC Undisputed 2009, is a game that can get your adrenaline pumping in a jiffy! This game is a mixed martial arts video game based on the Ultimate Fighting Championship sport. I fell in love with this game immediately. Just by playing the demo version, I already got hyped up and started punching my friend on the shoulder. This game lets you use fighters from the UFC, like Brock Lesnar, GSP, Lyoto Machida, Anderson Silva, and many more badass mo-fos!

It's like a street fight in your own living room. The only thing missing is blood pouring out of your screen. After playing this game, you'd probably want to learn Muay Thai and beat someone up, or even give them a flying knee to the face! That's how hardcore this game is.

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate the Game: NBA 2K9

TWO-KHEY! This is what me and my friends would always say when we see each other. NBA 2K9 is one of the games that we would never get tired of playing. I mean, I don't play the sport physically, but I play it technologically biznatch! Gotta love the game man. It's one awesome game that makes you physically fit. After playing one game, I was already sweating my ass off.
And try playing it on HD Screen, it feels like the players can just jump right out of your screen, or you can get hit by the ball or something like that. You can even see their pores open up, how dermatologically awesome it that?

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game: Assassin's Creed

The main story of Assassin's Creed takes place in September 2012; Desmond Miles, a bartender, is kidnapped by the company Abstergo Industries for use as a test subject in the "Animus", a device that can stimulate the recall of ancestral memories buried in the user's DNA. Abstergo intends to put Desmond in the device to recall the role of his ancestor, Altaïr Ibn La-Ahad (الطير ابن لا أحد, Arabic: "The Flying One, Son of None", "The Bird, Son of None", or "Bird of Prey, Son of None"), in the "Assassin Brotherhood" during 1191 as part of the Third Crusade in the Holy Land. Desmond at first has trouble adjusting to the device, but eventually is able to relive Altaïr's exploits over the next several days. Much of the core game is then presented from Altaïr's point-of-view as seen by Desmond, though at times interrupted by glitches resulting from the Animus.

This game is kick-ass. It's a game where you're a hooded awesome assassin in Jerusalem going around killing people with awesome moves like Jet Li's. This game is like the Matrix, only without the guns and the cool awesome black shades and suits. Instead, you're wearing white hooded robes and have knives to pierce the hearts and slash the throats of your enemies.

It's violent, but it's violent in an awesomely good way. Assassin's Creed is probably one of the best games they have in Xbox 360. I'm just wondering why the main character in the awesome games all have hoods on. It makes me want to think that if you have a hood on, you're immediately cool and have skillz that killz, you know?

Don't Hate The Playa, Hate the Game: Prototype

This game is F-ING INSANE! Prototype must be the most bad-ass game I've ever seen as of today. The game is set in New York City as a virus infects people and the military attempts to put an end to it. The protagonist of the story is named Alex Mercer, who has enemy-absorbing and shapeshifting powers. He can take memories, experiences, biomass, and physical forms of the enemies through absorption. Alex can also shapeshift into more specialized forms for attack, defense or sensory enhancement.

When I first saw my friend play this game, I thought to myself, the people who created this must be awesomely high when they thought of this game. The game is just like Grand Theft Auto where you can roam around the city and shoot and kill people, and also beat them up while getting awesome points for creating bigger reputation and completing mission. But the difference of Prototype from GTA is that Prototype is like the person from where GTA came from, and GTA is just a piece of shit in where Prototype took a dump in a portalet somewhere.

Prototype is like playing a game where your mission is to just destroy things and get awesome points for doing a good job in creating havoc in the city of New York. Imagine a dude who has the strength of the Incredible Hulk, agility as that of Spiderman, can climb and sprint through walls as if he were a Kenyan, can glide like a flying Squirrel, have razor sharp claws like that of Wolverine's, can morph into any human that he consumes like the power of Mystique, and be totally handsome like Brad Pitt with a hoodie on. Not to mention the cool thing he does wherein he doesn't look at explosions and just walks away from it because cool guys don't look at explosions.

If you want to get a video game and get geekasm (geek orgasm) try buying an Xbox 360 now and just buy this single game. I assure you, you wouldn't want to play another third person game ever again.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: Blue Thunder

THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER! Aaaahhh haa ooohh haaa oohh haaa! THUNDER!

I think the song that best suits this burger is Thunderstruck by AC/DC. I mean this burger has literally been thunderstruck. The Blue Thunder Burger is made up of a succulent beef pattie topped with fresh tomatoes and lettuce and bathe in a delicious white sauce made from bleu cheese.

This burger is a product of the Zeus and Thor. You see, during the time when the Gods walked the Earth, there was a barbecue at the foot of Mt. Olympus. Zeus was the one cooking the burgers, while Thor on the other hand was making the patties. He would then use his hammer to pound the meat in order for it to be tender. Then Zeus would then use his lightning bolts in order to cook the patties and serve it with a special sauce made from bleu cheese.

So when you take a bit out of this bad boy, you would feel like a sledgehammer had just been swung and hit you in the stomach. After finishing the burger, you'd then be stricken by lightning out of nowhere. But you'll live and tell the awesome experience you've had with the burger to your grandchildren.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: Bagels

Ahhh the Bagel. One of the greatest creation known to man. This doughnut like bread is no mere combination of simple flour, eggs, yeast, butter, and water. What makes it different from normal bread is that, there is a secret ingredient added when making it. And that ingredient is awesome sweat. You see, when bakers make these bagels they do other awesome stuff first, like sky diving, bunjee jumping, crocodile wrestling, archery, painting, and sometimes parasailing. Then when they are all reeking with awesome sweat, they start making the dough.

Bagels are high in calories, it's the bread with the highest calorie level. Why? Because the bakers who did all the strenuous activities transfer the calories that they burn into the bread which is then passed on to the consumer. It's weird like that.

Bagels are so awesome that in the Pacman game, the shiny balls there, when you look at it using a microscope you can clearly see that it's a bagel with philadelphia cream cheese on it. So when you eat it, your Pacman goes berserk and devours the filthy bitchin squid looking bastard enemies in the game.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: Chili Cheese Dog

Jollibee Chili Cheese Dog is the bomb! This is one of my favorite food that Jollibee sells. It's a hotdog, placed between two heavenly buns, topped with chili and finished off with a drizzle of melted cheese. It goes well with ice cream. Dairy Queen to be specific. I don't know why this friggin hotdog tastes so good, probably because its meat is made out of labrador retrievers.

It's just so good that I'm having a hard time trying to discuss how awesome it is. You probably should just try it out and maybe you'll also become speechless like me, or worse, mute.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: Conti's Clubhouse Sandwich

EMBA? EMBA? Guestlist? Hayden Kho? That's old shit! Screw that! Haven't you heard? There's a new thing in town! What's that? Hell yeah, it's the Club House Sandwich. It's the new "in" thing broseph. It's a sandwich made with debris from awesome clubs and from grinded house cds. Just kidding. It's a triple decker sandwich made with lettuce, egg, ham, bacon, tuna spread, and awesome bread dude! But Conti's decided that it wasn't cool enough just to use regular bread, so they dipped it in awesome batter and made the bread as french toast! DAAAAAAAAMMMNNNN!!!!

Well, Conti's Clubhouse Sandwich kicks ass! One bite of it and you'll really feel like there's a party in your mouth. Like all of the ingredients are having a dance battle, and they're all f*cked up in ecstasy and raving with glowsticks while dancing to some really bitchin house music. That's probably why it's even called a Clubhouse Sandwich, because it literally feels like the ingredients are going clubbin in your mouth.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: Grilled Cheese Sandwich

"It ain't ea-zeh being chee-zeh!" -Cheeseburger Eddie. It's true, it ain't easy being cheesy, because sometimes we just can't help but be cheesy. But most of all, we just can't help but eat a ridiculously large amount of cheese, may it be in pasta, pizza, or in whatever food that you feel like putting it on. But one of the best and easiest things to eat cheese with is bread. And what better way to spice things up than to grill them both.

A grilled cheese sandwich is just one of the things that you would have to try to eat before you die, because if you don't then you did not live a good life, your purpose in this world would be insignificant. It's real easy to do, just get two slices of bread and some cheese (it doesn't matter how many just as long as it fits in between the bread) and then you start grilling like a camper in the woods.

Just the other day, I was at a friend's house and we were hungry. My friend said, "Dude, want to make a grilled cheese sandwich?" I said "Hell yeah!", and so we did. We got loaves of bread and just stacked all sorts of cheeses there. We used cheedar, cream cheese, mozzarella, parmesan, bleu, then stacked some queensland butter too. After I took a bite out of it, Wonderwoman suddenly busted the door of my friend's kitchen and punched us both in the face leaving us unconcious. After being knocked out for several minutes, we woke up and saw that the grilled cheese sandwiches were gone. The bitch took them.

True story.

I Like Big Buns and I Cannot Lie: The Baconator

"Come with me if you want to die" -Baconator. This sandwich from hell is just awesome. It's a one way ticket out of this world. Wendy's the Baconator is made up of two quarter pound 100 pure beef patties topped with six slices bacon and cheese. I can still remember the first time I ate this, when I took a bite at it I think my heart stopped beating for like 2 seconds. That's how artery clogging awesome it is!

I've been reading DC comics latelty and I saw this dude, his name is Captain Marvel. He's like superman only he has lightning powers and summons his powers from the Gods by shouting SHAZAAM!. And it got me thinking, "what the hell is his weakness?". I've been theorizing a bit, and I think the Baconator is his weakness. I mean, the way his body is built, he must go to the gym like 6 times a week and follows a strict diet. So his weakness would be a 2000 calorie sandwich from hell, that would make him fat and would not want to do exercise anymore. His enemies should just get a Baconator and shove it down his throat. Let's see how he SHAZAAM's his way out of that.

Just a theory.

Ice Ice Baby: Blizzard

"It might be summer time in the Hamptons, but it is snowin' up in here. Grab me my boots Tony because I'm about to go skiing!" -Latrell Spencer

That was a quote from the awesome movie White Chicks. You see, in the movie Latrell was just walking into a party with his personal assistant Tony, and they were spotting for chicks. But in the uncut version of the movie, he was eating a Dairy Queen Blizzard while walking to the party.

Dairy Queen Blizzard is my all time favorite ice cream. I don't get tired of eating this heavenly creation. You see eating a Blizzard is like experiencing a whole new level of dairyness. The taste of the milk creates a soothing feeling in your mouth which feels like a herd of cows are being milked by farmers while dancing with joy on top of your tongue. The coldness of the ice cream creates a feeling of a cold breeze of air when you open the freezer on a hot summer day. And the taste of the sweets that are mixed into the ice cream is like having a tour inside Willy Wonka's Factory, and just eating everything there is that you see.

I think it should be called Dairy King because come on, mixing sweets with it ranging from cookies to sprinkles, all the way down to fruits is just absolutely great. I mean if they mix Spongebob Squarepants with it, then I'd be all like damn, that some perfect fun awesome ice cream. Why? Because everyone loves Spongebob Squarepants, I mean come on, who doesn't love a Yellow Sponge who lives under a pineapple under the sea, and he wears pants. Right? Right? So there, I think if they put him there, or mix him with the ice cream, I think they'll run out all of the other ice cream businesses there is in this world.

Dairy Queen Blizzards are LEGEN- wait for it! and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is gonna be -DAIRY!

Ice Ice Baby: Wendy's Frosty

FROSTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! One of the best things fast food chains all over the world has to offer, The Frosty. A chocolate flavored soft served ice cream that has both sweetness and a bit of saltyness present in its taste. This is one of the best ice creams that I have ever eaten in my entire life. But it got me thinking, how did this little sucker get into this world?

I did some research and I stumbled upon this old news article of how this ice cream was created. It actually has a dark story behind it. Do you see that little redhead girl in the yellow cup, that's Wendy, now she might look sweet, but deep inside she's a psycho. So the story goes like this.

One day, she went on a trip to Disneyland and she saw Donald Duck and Frosty the Snowman hanging out in a nearby bench. They were smoking pot and were a bit high so they were talking about all sorts of bullcrap. Then Wendy approached them and asked if she could get a picture with them. Both Donald Duck and Frosty the Snowman said no because they were busy talking about how the water in the toilet flushes differently in some parts of the world. They even teased her about her freckles and how she looked stupid in that blue dress. So she was heartbroken and told them that they were bad cartoons, and that she thought they were a good influence to kids all over the world. Since Wendy's mom had schizophrenia, she also inherited this sickness. So later that afternoon, when Frosty the Snowman was all alone in an alley; Wendy whacked him at the back of his head knockking him unconscious. Dragging his cold body, Wendy placed him in an ice cream maker and added chocolate. There he was turned into a soft served chocolate ice cream. Wendy then approached Donald Duck asking if he wanted an ice cream cone. Since it was a hot summer day, and he was having munchies, he accepted the ice cream and said that it was the best ice cream he has ever had. Wendy said "I know it's the best..." and she then gave a devlish grin. After a year, they found out how Frosty the Snowman went missing and traced it back to Wendy with the help of some witnesses. She was locked up in a mental hospital and was never heard of ever again.

That's how the Frosty got invented and why it's called that way..

True story..

Ice Ice Baby: Cheesecake Ice Cream

1...2...3.. say CHEESE! One of the best flavors of ice cream that I have ever tasted, the Cheesecake flavored ice cream. How did I encounter this unknown awesomeness? Well, yesterday was Independence Day, and me and my friends had this tradition of eating breakfast at one of our friends house. So after that, we were craving for something sweet, and since it was a freaking hot day yesterday; we decided to go to an ice cream place.

So we were driving around and shouting, MABUHAY ANG PILIPINAS, and MABUHAY KA MANONG GUARD while searching for a place to eat ice cream. Then we stumbled upon this little store in BF Paranaque. The place was called El Fav, and it was known for its innovative and weird flavors of ice cream. So we tried eating there, and this is when I came across this awesome ice cream.

When I went inside the store, it felt like the ice cream freezer was calling my name, and it spoke to me saying, "Order this cheesecake ice cream or else I'll put a bullet in your ass!". So out of sheer intimidation, I ordered it, and to my relief it was one of the best things that I have ever tasted. It was like a party of cheeses in my mouth, in which they were dancing cha-cha and drinking merrily. The taste was just as the same as a very good cheesecake. The only difference between this and a cheesecake is that the regular cheesecake is served in lame slices; while this is frozen into perfection and served in shapes of balls.

After two scoops of it, I got so addicted that I unconsciously ordered a milkshake and an ice cream sandwich made out of that cheesecake flavored ice cream. My friends rushed me to a rehabilitation center afterwards because I couldn't control my emotions and my craving for more ice cream.

I suggest that you visit that place to know and experience what I am talking about. El Fav also has wasabi, beer, yakult, malunggay, turones de casuy flavored ice cream, and many more. When I was about to leave that place yesterday, I even suggested that they should make an Adobong Baboy flavored Ice Cream for those who love Adobo. They said that it was a brilliant idea, and whoever thought of it was awesome in every way possible. They asked me, "Are you the one who thought of it?", I said "No, but I know the person who did.." They replied, "Well then, you should know that, your friend is a genius". I told them, "Yeah, she's awesome.."

Then I left...

True story..

Ice Ice Baby: Neapolitan Ice Cream

3 in 1 + 1 Happy Kaarawan? Hell no! You don't need to add another flavor to make your birthday happy. All you need are 3 flavors, Chocolate, Strawberry, and Vanilla, boom! End of story, happy f-ing birthday.

Blue Bunny's Neapolitan Ice Cream is the perfect combination. With the use of rich and creamy classic flavors such as Chocolate, Strawberry, and Vanilla, it would surely satisfy your craving for frozen treats.

But wait, Blue Bunny wasn't satisfied with this, as if mixing these 3 awesome flavors into one bucket isn't enough, they made something even better. What? What? What?! "The Neapolitan Ice Cream Sandwich"! What's in it? Well, think of a generous serving of neapolitan ice cream, then place it on top of a chocolate wafer/soft cookie then top it again with another one of those things, that's what it is! Damn those people at Blue Bunny! They created another thing in this world that would give people another excuse to be obese. But it's all good!

The Neapolitan Ice Cream is kinda like the Charlie's Angels. Three girls, three flavors. If one is missing then it would suck, because one complements the other. It's not as awesome as three girls kicking evil henchmens asses, and blowing up warehouses full of drugs and criminals with scars on their faces. After that, they go to Embassy because they're on the guestlist and they party all night and go to Tags to eat Bulalo, then off to CamSur to go surfing. Then the next day they just do their normal ass whooping work for a guy whom they have never even met.

Anyway, Blue Bunny Neapolitan Ice Cream is a must try, because it would knock the ice cream craving shiz out of your system!

Ice Ice Baby: French Vanilla

Cette glace est impressionnante!

What's that? Oh yeah, I'm sorry, let me translate that. "Cette glace est impressionnante!" means "This Ice Cream is awesome!" in French. This is how the French people usually describe it.

Cold Rock's French Vanilla Ice Cream is like a gift from God. It's like angels from heaven were playing golf and the golf balls are scoops of French Vanilla ice cream which came down from the sky and landed into Cold Rock's freezers.

This French Vanilla is no ordinary "vanilla" flavored ice cream. It's like the king of vanilla flavored ice creams. It's sweeter and more awesome than regular vanilla ice cream. I don't know why it's called French Vanilla, but if it has something to do with the French inventing it, then I will not hold back anymore, I'll just say it out loud. I-love-France.

Eating this heavenly sent creation would make you forget all of your problems, sometimes it makes you forget everything you know. You wouldn't even know what's real anymore. You can't differentiate reality from fantasy. It's just like how Tom Cruise felt in the movie Vanilla Sky, where he doesn't know if what he's experiencing is real anymore. Maybe that's why the title of the movie is Vanilla Sky, it was based on French Vanilla Ice Cream and the feeling you get when you eat it.


Awesome...

Ice Ice Baby: Raspberry Rapture

Fruits + Ice Cream = AWESOME! Mixing fruits with ice cream has to be one of the best things ever thought of by humanity. I mean, it's even better than fire, I mean when people get in contact with fire it gives them excruciating pain. But ice cream doesn't, it gives you awesome pain, pain in your head from getting brain freeze, pain in your teeth from its icy goodness, and pain in your heart from wondering why this mere combination of frozen cream and fruits are taken for granted.

Raspberry Rapture is a rich and creamy ice cream combined with real fruit raspberries and rippled with chocolate raspberry syrup. This majestic creation was made by none other than Fruits in Ice Cream (God bless them!). One scoop of this delightful frozen delicacy will surely make you feel young again, just like Benjamin Button. As in you would literally look, act, talk, and think like you're a 7 year old kid whose only goal in life is to go on an all sugar composed food binge, and go on a 42 hour sugar rush experience and wake up 6 months later from a commatose.

That's how great Fruits in Ice Cream is. They make you feel young again. It's like the water from the Fountain of Youth, only it's flavored and frozen, and you get addicted to it--in a good way.

Ice Ice Baby: Hazelnut Brownie

Dude? Dude?! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! These were my first words after I took a bite of this ice cream. Selecta Gold Hazelnut Brownie is one of the things that you'd surely want to eat over and over again. Even if you're already experiencing tonsilitis; you wouldn't feel the pain because all you can feel is satisfaction from eating this divine creation. It's a hazelnut flavored ice cream with chopped brownies mixed with chocolate fudge sauce.

The people at Selecta said that they came up with this flavor, they claimed that they were the ones who created it. Which is entirely false. The true story of how this flavored ice cream came into this world can actually be traced back to the prehistoric times.

December 14, 1965, a group of paleontologists from Russia came across a huge area of what appeared to be a large nesting place during the prehistoric time. The paleontologists excavated over 30 different species of dinosaurs in the desert of Tunisia. After examining the bones, they have learned what caused the dinosaurs extinction. According to Jeff Strakowski, the head paleontologist of the team, when a meteor entered the Earth's atmosphere, it exploded which parts of it were scattered all over the globe. The dinosaurs weren't affected by the impact but they were affected when they made contact with the debris of the meteor.

Here's how Strakowski told the story of how the dinosaurs got extinct. So when the meteor came to earth, the dinosaurs saw it and said, "hey dude, what's that? Let's check it out!" Then they went to it hoping it was food, because the food was scarce because of the ice age. So they said "it smells good, kinda like something edible, should we eat it?" So they did, and it was so good that they weren't able to help but kill each other for a piece of the meteor. This happened all over the globe and that's how the dinosaurs got extinct. Then the ice age came, and the meteors got frozen which became the Hazelnut Brownie Ice Cream.

So it wasn't the meteor that killed them, nor was it the ice age; it was their selfishness that led them to their extinction.

That's why, when you get to try this and experience how awesome it really is, try not to be selfish and share it. Because the things that keep you alive, can sometimes kill you.

True story.

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Royce Chocolate Potato Chips

I have saved the best for last! The mother of all chocolates! The bengga of benggas! The shiznit of all shiznits! The--okay that's enough. This right here, is the greatest creation of mankind. I have to give kudos to the Japanese for this. It's the best thing to place chocolate on. What's that? Hell yeah! Potato Chips!

Royce is hands down pure genius. I mean who ever thought of putting chocolate on a potato chip? What's that? Oh yeah you got that right, ROYCE! At first I found it weird, I was all like "Dude what the hell, chocolate on potato chips, that's messed up.." But damn after eating a piece of it, it's like a switch was turned on and I became a whole new person. The sweetness of the chocolate and the saltyness of the potato chip was like a battle of two empires in my mouth, like the battle of the spartans against the persian empire, each one trying to claim what is rightfully theirs; which is my tastebuds. My emotions suddenly changed, I felt contentment and happiness. There was an intense surge of energy that flowed throughout my body. My view on things changed. I perceived things differently than what I used to. The world became more colorful, food tasted better, and people were better.

After the second potato chip, I heard trumpets, harps, and chimes playing, and there were angels coming down from heaven, reaching out to me, handing me a box of royce potato chips. Then at some point, I even saw Moses with all the beard and robes and that wooden staff he always carried around with him.

After that, there was silence. I got down on my knees and cried, saying to myself "This is not messed up. I'm the one who's messed up, my life will be messed up without this.. This is no mere creation of man, this is God speaking to us in a form of crispy potato chips drenched in chocolate.."

Since then, I was a new person. I started going to Church to hear mass every Sunday. Donated to charity weekly, and volunteered to help those who are in need whenever I had free time to do so. I was also changed in my ways of studying. I never cut my classes, I recite all the time, I'm always 30 minutes early before my class starts... even though I only have 10 minute intervals between classes. I also do my homework everynight and study for the lessons 3 weeks ahead of time.

That's how Royce changed my life.

True story.

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Chocolate Ecstasy

Chiki-tam, Chiki-tam, Chiki-ti-tam-tam, Pitum-pam-pam, Pitum-pam, Pe-tepe-tepe, Pam-pam-pam-pi-tum-pam-pi-tei! Ecstasy! Ecstano! This is what you're going to say over and over again, after you've had a bite of this baby you'll be as high as a techno dude in a rave party complete with glow sticks!

Hungry Pac's Chocolate Ecstasy Cake is, how do I say this? Close to perfect. It's a thin moist chocolate cake drenched in rich chocolate sauce. It's soft as a baby's butt, kinda like a cake made with cotton. Its chocolate is just perfect, not too bitter and not too sweet.

I think they called it Chocolate Ecstasy because they mixed real ecstasy with it. So with every bite, you'll feel like dancing to the beat of Satisfaction by Benny Benassi.

After a slice you'd probably be hitting the club with all your cool glow sticks and fishnet shirts while dancing to the beat of Asi Me Gusta A Mi - Chimo Bayo (Ecstasy Ecstano).

If you finished an entire cake, then you'll probably be rushed in the hospital for overdose of ecstasy.

Try it out, it's like tugs-tugs-tugs in your mouth!

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Maltesers

Nestle is just on a role! I don't know if the people working there are Chocolate Gods, but damn, their definition of chocolate is just mind blowing. Here's another brilliant creation. Maltesers, a malt honeycomb covered chocolate ball of pure genius. It's like a shrunken beehive covered in chocolate.

These chocolate balls are so damn good, it could kill a person or even destroy a ship. I think during the war of 1812 the Americans won because of Maltesers. They were running out of ammo, and these two American soldiers said, "hey dude, I don't think we're gonna make it, we're all running out of ammo.. There's a crate of Maltesers back in our camp, why don't we just use that?" And so they did, and damn they killed a lot of British. After that, they got all the bullets(Maltesers) from the dead bodies and ate them because they were still good. They even used big ass Maltesers as cannonballs to destroy the ships of their enemies.

True story...

That's how awesome Nestle is, they make these chocolates not just for consumption, but also for destruction..

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Raisinets

Chocolate that is good for you! Nestle cares about peoples health, that's why they made this, a chocolate covered raisin candy for everyone, not just for those who have bowel problems, but for those who enjoy eating raisins with chocolate. There's milk chocolate and dark chocolate, so there you go, they're very considerate of their consumers, because not everyone likes the sweet chocolate.

Raisinets Chocolate is great because first of all, it's healthy, because it's high in fiber which makes your digestive system awesome. Second it tastes good, it's sweet (chocolate) and a little bit sour (raisin juice).

Whoever invented this was just pure genius. He/she was probably a farmer of grapes or something in California, then tried some wacko shit idea to mix chocolate with raisins in order to upset a friend's stomach. But I guess his stupid prank turned out to be a genius idea.

If you're trying to be healthy but still want to eat chocolate, try this, it's all good!

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Koko Krunch Duo

Then poof! It became Koko Krunch! In-deed! Another great creation by Nestle, Koko Krunch Duo. A milk and white chocolate flavored cereal in which you can eat it with or without milk. This is my favorite cereal. Next would be Frosted Flakes, but damn this is such a good thing. I can eat it anytime, anywhere.

It's a good thing Nestle created this, because it shows that they're not racists. I mean, Koko Krunch before was just like pure milk chocolate, it was all black. Then I guess people started to be mature and had all this equality of the race thing, where you shouldn't separate the blacks from the whites. So the good people down there at Nestle thought, "hmmm why don't we make a cereal that celebrates both races?" and so they did, and poof! It became Koko Krunch Duo! Now it's a mix of the whites and the blacks. A cereal that doesn't discriminate, how about that?

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: After Eight Thin Mints

If you think this chocolate is only for old people, then old people have good taste in food and you don't! After Eight Thin Mints are small squarish dark chocolate bars with mint fillings inside. One bite of this and you'll feel like it's winter wonderland in your mouth. It's like putting snow, toothpaste, and a pack of wolves in one small square chocolate bar. I think if you eat this, you probably don't even have to brush your teeth because it's just awesome like that.

It's chocolate with a clean and cool feel after eating it. Chocolate that gives you brain freeze, awesome huh? Try it out, but try wearing a jacket and a scarf while you're at it, because it's gonna be like snowstorm from where you're eating.

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Violet Crumble

Another awesome creation of Nestle, The Violet Crumble. This is my all time favorite candy bar. It's a chocolate covered honeycomb bar. How great is that? Imagine bees working hard, day and night just to get some honey, then some greedy dude smokes their hive and gets their honey and turns it into this delicious candy bar. I mean what's better than taking away something from something or someone in which they worked hard on for days, then just devouring it, right?

Violet Crumble has this rough texture kind of like golden sand which melts in your mouth. I think the story behind how this gold like candy bars were made is that, Midas who can turn anything into gold, touched a lot of chocolate bars, then he said to himself, "hmmm this is just too good to share with the people, I should probably be a greedy bastard and hide this somewhere safe.." So he went inside this cave and dumped all of it there, after how many years of eating golden chocolate bars, he developed diabetes and died. And he never mentioned where he hid the chocolate bars to anyone before he died. So nobody knew where it was. Until one day, a team of archeologists from Nestle went into an expedition in the mountains of Tibet and found a cave where the legendary golden candy bars were. They just hauled it out and sold it for the world to enjoy what Midas had been keeping to himself thousands of years ago. The archeologists said in a press conference, "If you wanna know how the Earth's crust really looks like or even taste like? Well all you have to do is just break this bitchin' bar in half and go see for yourself.."

But today, the supply of Violet Crumble is diminishing, and it's really hard to find one in the convenient stores. So if you ever stumble upon a store which sells these bad boys, I suggest you buy one or even all of it, because once you've had a piece of it, you're gonna want to be greedy like that bastard Midas.

True story..

What a Beautiful Chocolate Man: Crunch

Nestle Crunch is one of my all time favorite chocolate bars. I think the maker of this awesome candy bar made this in the month of January, to be specific, New Year's eve. Why? Because I think the dude who made it, intentionally mixed awesome firecrackers with this bad ass chocolate bar.

Eating a Nestle Crunch bar is like eating a box of firecrackers with chocolate wrapped around it. But instead of fire, your saliva ignites these bad boys which creates a popping sensation in your oral cavity. It's like the 4th of July in your mouth when you munch on it.

So if you ever feel like celebrating, forget party poppers, forget the balloons, just go to a convenient store near you, grab one of these suckers, and let the party begin!